Monday, September 8, 2008

Moving Day

Since my girlfriend is insane (very sexy and sweet but) definitely insane, we are moving both our blogs to wordpress. All I did was mention that wordpress seemed cool. Even with all the templates, the column for writing seemed too thin on blogger. Maybe we should consider moving. Then whompt techno girl brought us over. Wordpress does seem to have more publishing possibilities so away we go.

Hope you come along.

You can now find me at

Friday, September 5, 2008

The Hokey-Pokey

You put your right foot in,
You put your right foot out;
You put your right foot in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

It is done. Day one. The F.ollistim and M.enupur injections have been administered thanks to the lovely mulberry for making sure all the items were out as we fumbled with the instructions at midnight. Shenandoah and the kitties looked on. (The kittens didn't stay long though. Nothing to attack and destroy) The L.ovenox I had to take last time definitely hurt more than these. I hear the trick is to inject slowly.

I'm happy we've started again. Me tonight -- next week insemination for mulberry.

Last night I dreamed we were all moving to a new apartment. As we moved through it, it got more beautiful and spacious. We weren't sure if we could take the place because it would be temporary until we found our permanent home. And someone else was living there who wasn't completely set to go. She wanted to leave some things there. Then we noticed a lovely view of the ocean from our living room and knew we had to take the apartment.

The other day mulberry was looking at a charm necklace that said "what if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?" Made us laugh. We're just two faggots as Shenandoah would lovingly say.

Tonight I feel hopeful we just might get this family off the ground after all.

Anyone have a large inexpensive beach front apartment you want to unload?

Thursday, September 4, 2008


On this the week we thought we would have begun our IVF protocol had the insurance company not denied us coverage, Mulberry and I are instead having our own version of the current trend in U.S. vacations -- the staycation. While staying in our own lovely apartment that we barely see each other in, we've splurged for a cool couples' massage at a spa, had manicures/pedicures, gotten some loving in, eaten tasty treats from a local chocolate boutique, dined at our favorite gluten-free risotto restaurant, found a new mac and cheese joint, and met, shared a meal and had warm conversation on the steps of the Brooklyn Museum until the late late evening with the unquestionably sweet, fierce, and fabulous L. and H. of babypants.

I am still trying to get my sweetie to a yoga class. First class is only ten bucks. She says she's game, we'll see. She's trying to get me to walk more. It's free.

My relaxed blissful mood was dampened a bit when we went to our RE's office and the doctor who I don't like was the one on call. He is the one who upon meeting me, did not introduce himself, went straight to the computer to adjust something and proceeded to ask me questions that he should have found in my file since I had been a client for over six months. "How many pregnancies have you had?" "Four." "And how many children do you have?" " None." "Ok." It was the nonchalant reminder of my history he invoked that lit tiny angry embers in my heart and left me in a bad mood for the rest of that day.

"You'll have to come back on Friday, " he told us. "We don't think mulberry will be ovulating yet, but we just want to check again to make sure we're on track." He was fine this go round. He introduced himself. Shook our hands. But after leaving the doctor's office, I still had that feeling of frustration which may be evidenced in my choice of dvds picked up on the way home:
John Q (a man frustrated with insurance company's refusal to cover his son's necessary care, basically takes the hospital hostage); Terminator and Terminator 2 (self-explanatory); and finally, Hurricane (a movie based on the real life of a man who at the height of his career, was wrongfully convicted of a crime for which he is incarcerated for twenty years)-- the snap out of it Dakota remember the world we're living in / inspiration movie.

So while we were recapturing the bliss and tasting four different kinds of mac and cheese (who knew?) and having a scrumptious dinner prepared by Shenandoah and her girlfriend, Peppermint, our RE (the one we really like and appreciate) called with the news that IVF has been approved for me but is still under review for mulberry.

I know I should be happy -- and I am -- there is no way we could afford this out of pocket. This is an important new first step. I guess I am more relieved than anything, but I am acutely aware today that we've got quite a ways to go here. And although our plans are altered, we are doing our best.

What am I worried about? Things I have absolutely NO control over. If we get lucky we get a healthy pregnancy/baby and good to great embryos to implant later for another healthy pregnancy/baby.

If we are not lucky we need five more rounds of tries for mulberry before an IVF may be approved and we've only a total of seven more samples of the donor we've selected as my stand-in for mulberry. Only one guy of my ethnicity on the whole cryosperm preserved continent of North America, who is (bonus!) also a musician like me. He's not giving any new donations. So when we're out of him, that is it.

If we are not lucky, for a myriad of reasons beyond control and desire, we may never get to the embryos we've saved for later.

Sigh. I'm re-reading this and I just want to say I am a lot more fun in person. Really. I am.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

In Case You Didn't Know

Mulberry and I are again contemplating next moves --this time in the wake of our insurance company's blow to our plans. The plan re-organizing coupled with Mulberry's nausea and intestinal discomfort from the birth control pills she was taking and the heartburn and chest tightening she is experiencing from the ineffective asthma medications have, to say the least, further stressed matters. I am usually an upbeat, confident, non-swearing kind of dyke but I have been none of these in the last few days. I have felt defeated by my physical limitations, clueless, and financially retarded. Where I started to feel the most powerless, Mulberry traded places with me and started hunkering down and told me she was not ready to give up this easily. I mean the woman can't breath but she's ready to fight whomever. She also still managed to come through for her community organizing buddies who needed her talents to enhance a small event they were hosting. She actually had to perform a song and she did it. She was a bit worried at first of course about her breathing capacity, but in the end she did it lovingly and movingly. That is the kind of woman she is. She shows up for her friends and does her best to meet her obligations with competence and grace. It is in times like these I am struck with awe at my beloved's tenacity of will and focus even with personal adversity. Today I am feeling grateful. Still clueless, but grateful.

Our talking is filled with anger about the situation, tears, cluelessness, strategy, respect and love love love. As grateful as we are to have each other, we have also been talking about how we both are so appreciative to all of you for your support. We started blogging to find community and to flesh out the myriad of feelings creating a family can sometimes thwart with confusion and disappointment or sometimes bloom with welcome surprise. We've only just started, but we feel the unmistakable sense of community with you. Certainly we have supportive friends in our lives, but we also feel so grateful to you who drop in, read, and may nod your head in silence and sometimes comment in friendship and support. This undertaking would be so much harder without knowing you are out there with us and we with you.

I don't write as often as I'd like. My work days often bring me home well past one a.m. And I am for better and for not, a muller (there is no such word, I made it up but you know what I mean)-- I have to mull over my thoughts and feelings for a while before I can articulate them. But on this one I need no extra time. Just want to reach out and say, thanks buddies. Thanks so much for being here.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

One great thing. One infuriating thing. And there is swearing in this post

I met my beautiful new baby cousin today. Her mom, my cousin, completed what she deemed a three year pregnancy and just returned from abroad to pick up her little girl. My aunt pulled me aside and said she had never seen her daughter so happy. I had to agree with her. Although my cousin has not really slept in two weeks, she was -- I hate to use a cliche but--truly glowing. At a little under two years old, the little one is brilliant (uh of course), strong willed (duh another family trait) and just a love. We spontaneously decided to drive over and have her meet my mom as well. It was a veritable love fest! My cousin whispered to me as we parted, "You and mulberry better hurry up. She needs her baby cousins as playmates."

Sweet. Incomparable to the news I would be punched in the stomach with as I drove home.

While for the last few days I've been trying to gather my feelings around our new plan of action, the insurance company has thrown in a new twist. They've denied our claim for mulberry's IVF. They say she has to have supposedly tried six (!) times before they would allow it. Does that mean if she had a husband with viable sperm and they had been trying for six months she would qualify? I don't know. I do know I am furious and disappointed and and and it smacks of heterosexist garbage! Although my feelings are mixed because of my own issues (feelings of guilt, loss) we along with our doctor should have the final say on what is the best plan of action for our family.

We are waiting for our doctor to contact us regarding this. We talked about the possibility of our doctor making a case for needing IVF due to advanced maternal age. Mulberry brought up that if this case is successfully made, it may backfire on us if we want to go back to IUI with her at a later date.

Then I started thinking, insurance companies try to deny people with cancer vital services they need so why would they act differently here? I just want to step out of character and say SHIIIIIT! F*CKING A**WIPES ! I hate them all.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I don't know

It has been hard to write and organize my thoughts. Last week we decided on a very high drug complex plan of action that will involve mulberry freezing her embryos first then us both going through a process for a fresh transfer of my embryos to her. Then we found out mulberry has asthma, and a continued mystery swelling of her ankles. Doctor says might be just a bit of weight gain but we are not sure. She's on birth control pills while we are waiting for our two insurance companies to reject and accept whatever parts they will. I know she is afraid of the drugs related to IVF. I am too, especially since we won't know what new symptoms will arise from them. I know how much she wants the experience of pregnancy. I keep coming back to wondering whether this really is the right thing for her--trying to carry my embryos. She hasn't been diagnosed with anything negative regarding her fertility, and we've only tried once to get her pregnant less invasively. Oh.

When we were in the RE's office discussing our options back in June and got to the part where mulberry would carry, I started to cry and blurted out that it may not be fair for mulberry to do MY heavy lifting. When the RE asked me whether her husband had allowed her to do the heavy lifting when they had their child, I said yes. Yes he had. As a feminist, I feel that he and we all betta recognize as they say in the neighborhood. Women do an incredible thing (risk our own lives really) bringing life into the world.

I can't finish these thoughts yet. I feel suspended and surreal and sad today. U2 is on the radio I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. Which has been followed by Ohio Players Rollercoaster. I am ovulating too. Another twelve-hour work day awaits.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

haiku allergy prayer #1

goddess please help me
not remain a lezzie who
achoos coos for cats

Edit Note: I welcome anyone's haiku prayer for the day/week. The structure is three lines with five syllables in the first, seven in the second, and five for the last. Give it a try? Would love to hear whatever/angry/hopeful/whimsical. xxoD.